"The Office"

"By Michael Scott
Regional Manager

As you all know, every month we ask our own
Stanley Hudson to fill us in on some of the issues
he deals with each and every day as a minority salesman (Stanley is African-American).
Here’s what Stanley had to say this month: "
“I thought I made it clear to you last month that I did not want to do this anymore.”

Back To Maastricht....Back To Maastricht.

Kel+Jeff eat food. Pictures below, including my triumph over the hardest sudoku ever created.

Brugge, Belgium

I felt like Harry, Ron, and Hermione today when I got on the train to see Brugge. When I asked for help, people would look at me like I was a fool. But that's the thing; I have to do things alone...and I've found security in knowing that. Brugge dead-up feels like you're walking through Disney World (See included photos). I also enjoyed going into a pub where two, and only two, slurring Flemish speaking losers were playing pool. As you stay out here and "master" the culture...that is the French culture... like I have, you find that this is the norm for all restaurants and bars. I've always lived by the philosophy "When in Rome". So what did I do to blend in? I rejected the Belgium-native tap beer and ordered a "Bellevue Kriek Max" and read Harry Potter in a corner.

The city is beautiful and is worthy of nice and friendly words. Unfortunately, at one point, I was forced to show a Brugge student my bicep so that he would back down and give me some Euros. What people fail to realize that it's a dog eat dog world...and I eat dogs.

Of course I missed my train by about ten minutes (these cities are so complicated and confusing), so I had to hang around the station for about an hour until the next one arrived. At one point, I went to the restroom... to use the restroom. The women's and the men's room were across from each other with the doors open. In the middle is a table where a woman sits... probably being paid....who greets you. The problem here is that the urinals are right in front of the woman. She can see everything! Needless to say, I don't feel pretty good about peeing in front of Belgian woman. .... .... I held it.



Kel and I will prolly go bow hunting or something like that later tonight. K Bye.

Pizza and Some Laughs

Dinner would have been wonderful had it not been for one thing. The two couples to the left and right of us stared at us, while snickering to themselves, the entire evening. We ate at this upper-scale pizza place where they have plants and birds and rocks and things. Let me explain something to you people; it takes a great deal of confidence to speak to someone in French when you don't know the language. As you wait for your waiter, you cycle through the line you are supposed to say a dozen or so times. As this progression is repeated, your confidence builds up and you think to yourself, "Hey. I can do this." All it takes is for the server to smile once for that stored up confidence to bury itself. At that point, the correct thing to do is to say "oui" in hopes that they walk away (See my previous postings for additional information). On the way back to the hotel, we stopped at Mcdonalds and ordered "deux sundae caramels", advertently destroying all the good that the walking had done our bodies. All in all, I feel pretty good about this night.

Well I've thought for five minutes and can't think of anything else to write. Bye.

"Quick Burger Restaurant"

Just when I had given up on Belgium, they go and do something like this............


...and totally redeem themselves! I kept saying to myself, "I just want some quality, a burger, and a nice atmosphere." Well Liege has come through for me. Just to say that I did, I ate here for lunch today. You can only eat so many mystery dishes before you just want something concrete. I want to know what I'm getting gosh-darnit. Sadly...I failed again. I don't know how this happens, because I am not ordering wrong. I've considered the possibility that this is just a big game that all the Belgians do to foreigners. "Deux aye Coca-Cola." You would think this was the Number 2 burger with coke. Instead, I got two hotdogs with a coke. I'm not that angry because it was rather good, but I seriously shouldn't have to deal with this.



With the help of Kel's GPS system, I did not get lost...I just got really far away somehow.

Maastricht, Netherlands

Kel and I had a very interesting evening tonight. We managed to order some vegi-lasagna at a quaint little restaurant after the waiter read the menu to us (Dutch sucks). Just when I thought I was getting the hang of ordering food, we go to the Netherlands where they speak Dutch....any language with that many "K's" is probably going to suck. The town was beautiful but we were approached on two separate occasions by drug dealers. The funny thing is that these aren't your typical American dealers. These cocaine-selling bastards speak more languages than the majority of us. At one point, I was convinced that this one guy, we'll call him "Johnstoff", could speak French, English, and Dutch. No family... we didn't "order" any thing.

Just to say we did, on the way home, we stopped at a movie theatre and watched SAW 2. Seriously, how many people can say that they watched a movie in the Netherlands with a bunch of punk dutch college kids. It wasn't until the previews started that we got worried about whether the movie would play in English or Dutch. Fortunately, our worries were "safely" put away after we heard English. Ha Ha....that was a SAW reference for those of you aware enough to appreciate it. Get it! ....SAFE!! !! !!

Darka Warka Socka Locka...... It is really funny to say this really fast to one another when on an elevator with French butt heads that have poles up their bottom.

Not sure what to do tomorrow....but on Thursday, while you Nashvillians are sleeping, I will be on a train to Brugges where I will look at buildings and things. See ya for now.

Ohh and one more thing, the bikes in the Netherlands are the ugliest things I've ever seen. They remind me of something George Mcfly...that is, George Mcfly of 1955...would have ridden. Not sure what the deal is with that.

Lost in Liege Really Late

You don't know panic until you've found yourself completely lost in a city that doesn't understand you. After about two hours of being lost, I thought to myself, "This is the end. This is the end. This is the way the world ends." ....at least Jeff's world. I had hoped that I had ordered a vegetable type pizza earlier, but instead I received the most disgusting tofu soy crap. The only thing during that lunch that brought me comfort was the fact that I had a coke in my hand and that I knew I was better than everyone else in the restaurant (American).

Tomorrow, I will take the subway into Brugge where I will probably get lost again. But getting lost is kind of a good feeling. I associate it with the "Oh crap, a tornado is nearby!!" type of emotion. What people don't realize is that when Jeff is up against immeasurable odds, he prevails and emerges victoriously. Go Steelers a lot.

Dinner and "The Office"

Kel and I just got back from dinner. This place called Levousdre has every single alcoholic beverage ever made. What did Jeff and Kel get? Anyone....anyone? More Kriek Lindemans. These things are the bomb and are so choice. Both of us had about 100 centileters...which is enough to get a pretty good buzz.

While ordering two crab lasagnas, we experienced the hot feeling when the waiter DOESN'T speak English. "Parlez-vous anglais" doesn't work when they don't speak ENGLISH. I felt sweat forming in the cracks of my forehead as he kept asking questions which we couldn't answer. At that point, we searched for the only words we knew. "Wey" was spoken many times in that thirty second conversation. You get to a point where you don't really care what they bring you...you just desperately want them to leave.

Tomorrow will be my first day on my own. I had mentioned something about flying to Egypt while Kel was at work, but I don't think I have the guts....but what a thing to have done!

Also during dinner, I was grateful for the fact that these two women next to us were making fun of us (in French) as we searched through my "Pocket Guide to French Phrases" for "check please". Needless to say, those girls are no longer living in Belgium. I guess one could say that the two girls USED to make fun of us.

It is now time for the funniest show ever made: The Office. Bye

Liege, Belgium

I'm learning some things about these so-called Belgians. One: They really like symbols; instead of writing a word on a sign like us, better Americans, do...they prefer to draw a picture with a guy running down stairs or something along the lines of that. They really like buttons and they don't drink. One may ask, "Jeffrey, how do you know of the so-called Belgians drinking habits?" "Well", I would say, "Consider this. Kel and I had to leave our hotel and go to the airport in order to find a coke machine. Granted, the airport was nearby, but never-the-less, the hotel didn't have one drink machine. Gosh! At 3:00 A:M, Kel and I were slowly repeating five words: "Don't the French drink anything?".

We just checked into the Holiday Inn in Liege where we will spend the rest of our trip. We haven't eaten in about 15 hours, so lunch is in order.

By the bye, Jeffrey ordered his first alcoholic beverage last night. While Antioch is drenched with Chili's and O'Charleys, every single French restaurant is the most cozy place you ever seen...fireplace and all. I love it. Kel and I had a romantic dinner last night..I will include a picture of our view from the table.

New York: JFK AIRPORT

Okay.....we've made it as far as JFK Airport. Currently, we're at Sam Adams Bar and Grille after walking about thirty minutes. We've been looking for Tom Hanks, but I haven't found him yet, although I did spot the Burger King that he bought hamburgers from. While waiting for my Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad, Kel and I are stealing internet access from "Swiss Lounge"....whoever that is. We have about a six hour delay before embarking on our quest for Belgium. I will update again after checking into the hotel. The highlight of the trip so far was watching Kel start up his computer only to find Johnny Cash's "Hurt" blaring out of the computer speakers for all the customers to hear. Talk about ironic....two brothers from Nashville....one of them listening to Johnny Cash in New York. As he frantically tried to turn it down, I could only sit and laugh...for his pain. Good things.

P.S. Allie- I hate to do this, but according to Kel and the internet, the trip to Brazil is approximately 8 hours. Not sure about the 20 hours....I hope you weren't telling a black fib to your boyfriend. Bye

GEEZE!

I got animals peeing...and I got women weighing me down!

Responsibility For One's Actions

What did Jeff come home to find? How did he deal with it? That's the key; he didn't!

Sorry

First of all...that last post was way too self depricating and too deep for my taste. I must also apologize for the enormous amount of grammatical errors. It was very late...and very dark. They have since been fixed...at least to the best of my knowledge.

Bored: How Bout Some Philosophy Goodness

I must say; I have no idea why I am writing at this particular moment. I can’t even tell you where this text will end. Call it free thought or call it an impulse, but it is my hope that this will lead to something great and inspiring when it is finished. Part of me wants to compare this to Jerry Macguire’s epiphany, but another part of me screams, “Do you LIKE comparing yourself to fictional characters!”

I am young, irresponsible, and am completely detached from human society. Does that mean that I shrivel up in a corner all day and eat slabs of beef while grunting meaningless nothings? Of course not (Well at least on good days I don’t do that). I am twenty years old and feel like someone three times my age. During my high school graduation, while my peers were screaming and talking about the parties they were going to, I was on the verge of crying. ...Well since I am not looking anyone in the face, I’ll just admit it: I did cry. Quite a bit. How the hell could these kids not realize that “high school” will NEVER happen again for them. I always found it rather funny and ironic that I ended up being the one who tried to savor his high school moments. I hated school much more than your average Joe or Jane. Having said that, I was aware enough to understand that you only live once and you only get one shot. While everyone else “couldn’t wait” for college, I was trying my very best to slow time as much as possible. Needless to say, I failed miserably. Do you ever notice that the older we get, the faster time flies by? As a young child, summer was the equivalent of an ice age. It never ended. By the time I reached my junior and senior year of high school, they were passing by in a blink.

Am I the only one who thinks like this? Do I feel too much? I was once told that I had an old soul. After feeling flattered, I thought to myself, “Is that really a good thing?” Sometimes, I would like to be the carefree college student who drinks all night, complains of headaches in the morning, and studies history material that will immediately be forgotten upon completion of the term. I would like to be the guy at the lunch table who is laughing hysterically with his thirty friends over something that they all know isn’t that funny. Who am I instead? I am that guy who thinks way too much about things that matter way too little. Do you know how many times I have asked myself, “What did he/she mean by that?” Anyone...anyone? Probably 127 times. I am also that guy who talks about taking loner vacation trips into the woods but never does...but that’s another story.

JEFFREY’S CONFUSION FOR 500 POINTS: Why do my knees buckle and why does my mouth turn to cotton when a friend calls me on the phone? Why don’t I pick up? Why have I concocted elaborate systems of getting out of coversations? What kind of concoctions, you ask? Here is an example: When I receive an unwanted phone call from a friend on my cell, I immediately press reject. Realizing that the person will be directed to my voicemail, I then call their cell phone knowing that they will still be on the line. What happens? I get directed to their VOICEMAIL! Now what does this mean, folks? Five words...five words: GET- OUT- OF- JAIL- FREE. Maybe I should explain more. If they call me and I don’t return their call in a reasonable amount of time (which I never do), I have to walk around with guilt and the feeling of a fat man- probably homeless- on my back weighing me down. But if I can call their cell while they are calling me...plausible deniability. I’ll leave a quick message consisting of something along the lines of “Hey. Sorry I missed you but I’ll try to call you later this week. I have a really busy day today.” After hanging up, I immediately turn my phone off. That way, I don’t have to hear the phone ring again and, alas, I am free of guilt. Next week.....I mean month....when I speak to them, I will say “I tried to call you a while back.”

Have you ever gone to a movie theatre and heard a guy laugh when nobody else did? I was probably that guy. Well....probably not...but I am very similar to him. We all like to think that we are the ONLY ONES who get certain types of humor. I am intelligent enough to realize that I am not independent of this form of thought, yet I still find myself laughing when others do not. What do I do when the others are laughing? I’m probably rather serious as I wait for another funny moment.

It is really hard to go through life and truthfully admit to yourself, behind closed doors of course, that you don’t really like others that much. Of course there will always be those we are close to and who are like us. But other than that, I have been quite unsatisfied with my fellow man.

As I began writing songs about these very emotions, I found that many people feel the same way. In fact, a lot of people feel the same way. Actually, I’ll go one further and say that we ALL feel this way; we merely show it differently. Whereas I am more apt to sit and think and council myself as I work through my issues, others prefer to drown their confusions in alcohol, or false happiness, or drugs, or denial. The fact that I choose gloom over substance does not make me better or wiser...only different. On the other hand, I do believe that it gives me greater insight into the human phsyche and, consequently, allows me to write more thought provoking songs. When I say “I” or “me” in a song, you can rest assured that it is not a character or an idea I am speaking of. It is all me.

Why the hell am I so damn sensitive? Why the hell are we all so damn sensitive? The only difference between me and an old confederate flag waving hard ass (probably with loose balls) is that I will admit that I am upset, if only to myself alone. Mr. Confederate can’t show emotion, other than anger, to anyone, including himself. He’ll just eventually chop wood or something. How sad is that? We truly are a product or our parents though. At what point did so much distinction get thrown upon men and women? “Don’t cry at me boy! Be a man!” Although I can’t be sure, I think Hard Ass’s dad probably said something along the lines of that at some point in his life.

As I go back and read what I have written, I think to myself, “Stop talking out of your ass, Jeff.” So I shall stop and rest. Please disregard the preceeding text. Bye- J.

Funny as Loose Balls

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably something you did."

New Obsessions

I've learned something about myself: I obsess. If I decide that I want (or need) something, I have to have it right then and there....no questions asked. When I finally receive said item, I used it nonstop until that part of my brain that decides what is interesting blows up. Take chess for example...very vivid memories of "Chess Up All Night" with my brother...that is...my brother Kel. Atleast seven or eight games a day were played and as a result, we became very good. But sadly to say, after a few years, I lost interest and now only play sporadically. Then there was guitar and recording which I'm happy to say I have still maintained an interest in. After that, Goosebump books...I must have read twenty of those damn books. Today, I find myself reading the very same books that I made fun of a year ago: Harry Potter. Before, I had always viewed these books and movies as a little kid's version of Lord of the Rings...but that is not the case. It was hard to admit at first, but these are extremely good and captivating books that demand attention. For the last week now, I have been telling everyone around me, "Wait for it guys. These books are gonna take off. I guarantee it."


I must cut this posting short for I have a great day ahead of me. Pizza...car....and goodness. Stay safe everyone. By the bye, how many of you realized that in my "Have You Seen Me" posting, I was referencing Kennedy's speech on the Cuban Missile Crisis? A show of hands will be fine.

Have You Seen Me?

In response to offensive remarks left on my Donut posting earlier today, I have directed that the following initial steps be taken immediately. First, to hault this offensive buildup and to cease any further offensive activity, I have ordered that the person pictured above be BANNED from this site. Second, if these postings are continued, I will find further action by myself to be justified. Third, it shall be the policy of this blog to regard any offensive action launched upon this site as an attack.....by said person against myself and my followers....requiring a full retaliatory response.

NEW RESPECTS

I've learned that we can never truly appreciate how brilliant people are unless we barely do what they do. Take Einstein for instance, ...no please.....take him!!! LOL! But let me get serious on you folks; we all understand how brilliant that guy was...but take a look at his math documents and then you really get it. I've always considered myself to excel in the math arena but after looking at one of those books (and realizing that I didn't know what even ONE symbol meant), I slowly realized that, instead of an arena, I was in something similar to a barn. I'm sad to say that I stick with the "EINSTEIN FOR DUMMIES" books...but here is the truthfully sad thing...I have a hard time understanding the dummy books. I guess that old saying about the cow and the horse really is the truth. (balls)

Bon Scott is another of those brilliant individuals. When you aren't trying to replicate his fleshy, scratchy voice, you accept that he has a good voice and that is about as far as it goes. Yesterday, I spent the entire day trying to achieve some simblance of that sound while recording. I was able to get the tracks to sound as good as loose balls (as Kel says a lot), but once the vocal goes on everything falls apart. Kinda like Rudy, I guess I should just accept that some people were made to play like Bon (or be football players in Rudy's case) and I am not one of them. Matt if you are reading this- I wouldn't mind if you came over one day to record the vocals for me. The song has a good "Hail Caesarish" feel to it and just needs a grundgier voice on it. It is called "Toasted" and is about people getting burnt. Zach would probably dance to it.

MYSPACE

MY PROFILE I'll add the new music I do for all you people who won't listen and say you did.

Stealing Donuts: Right or Wrong?

Allie and I have been having an ongoing debate. As the title suggests... is it wrong or right to steal donuts late at night from Kroger? Needless to say, I am a strong supporter of stealing them. At nine o'clock at night, if I don't "inherit" one of these donuts, they will all be thrown into a big trash can where they will be destroyed...mutilated...eaten by homeless losers that don't have homes (or helmets). Allie still insists that it is wrong and scolds me each time. Deep down, I feel that the majority of her anger comes from the fact that the wrapper has to be stored in her purse until we exit the store. There are two advantages to doing this: 1- The wrapper is kept safe and secret; 2- If we are caught, it would be pretty easy to blame it on her. "Look officer", I would say, "The wrapper was in HER bag!" Although I understand her pain, I really need to get opinions on this matter from outside folks. Please respond...please be swift. P.S. I am including a picture of a donut.